What’s Wrong?
What is wrong? There are too many thoughts going through my head, is that it? I’m confused, depressed, stumped, hurt, any negative emotion right now. At what? Could it be that I am angry with the one I call “my brother”? Somewhere along the line, I feel I’ve lost connection with him, and as well as myself. I feel as if I’ve lost connection with the world. Is this a step? A step ahead, maybe? Or a step behind? What is this? What’s wrong?
There are too many problems I have right now. I know for a fact that I keep making them more and more worse, just by simply thinking about them. Is this the burden of the world? Thinking about how to change this world for the greater good? Thinking about how to influence the entire Earth population to just change? So many thoughts go through my head, and it hurts, because I don’t know what to do with it. What should I do? Is this the burden of the world? Is this part of it? Like Jesus; am I carrying a sort of cross on my back? Can it really be that? The first step into changing; to lament? To feel such sorrow & sympathy for others? People I don’t even know? What is wrong?
Just today, this morning, I saw my brother. I walked right by him, nudging him on the shoulder; it’s like he didn’t even realize I just touched him. What was that? Now, I usually don’t care, but why would it matter now? Why would it have mattered then? Why would it matter in the future? The least he could have done was acknowledged I was even there. What’s wrong with the world? Heartless actions from loving & caring people? What’s wrong? I don’t know anything anymore.
A certain female I like; I talked to her about something that was bothering me, a little less than a month ago in August (2008). She clearly said she wanted to understand me more, yet I see her everyday, and it’s like we don’t know each other. What is wrong? I just can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. Days still pass, and she still doesn’t acknowledge I’m there. She sees right through me, as if I were a window.
Being ignored? Being alone? Is that? Could that simply be my problem? Was it wrong for me to choose the path of the loner? I question the philosophies of life. The philosophies that people share with one another. What’s wrong with the world? Maybe there’s nothing wrong it; maybe it’s just me. Me, as an individual; how can I, alone, decide that there is something wrong with our world? How can we still live contently, while at the same time, we’re all suffering? This brings up a seperate philosophy of mine; that everything is just temporary, and that you really have to learn how to be alone.
Is that the end? All of us ending up being alone? By ourselves? No one else around but just yourself? What happened? What’s wrong? I just can’t figure it out. Is it just the fact that I’m being ignored? By the ones who I care about? Especially the ones I really care about? What; is it wrong to have feelings for a woman, when she does not have the same for you? Is it wrong just to be? I feel hurt, pain. Honestly, I actually felt these pains in my heart. I feel uneasy, uncomfortable. I have a hard time sleeping. I have a hard time falling asleep in class. What is wrong, man? God; I don’t even know if he exists or not? If he does, is it wrong to half-believe in Him? If he doesn’t, is it wrong to half-believe in Him? What is wrong?
All I can come up with, is this; the fact that there is this imbalance in my life. I can say already that I am uncontent with everything right now. For some reason, nothing makes sense, and a lot of things are painful to think about. The one I call “my brother”; have we grown apart? The woman I have feelings for; was that it? Just one conversation, and I don’t exist anymore? What’s going on? I also know that somewhere along the line, I may have misunderstood something. Is the only way to be sure, is to be unsure? At this imbalance? Do I know and understand everything in this painfully depressing state of mind? State of spirit? State of soul? How can a man live in this world, if he is unsure of everything? He will need guidance; I need guidance. But, if I keep living my life with guidance, and if I’m right about the end, how will I be able to handle my own weight?
When I have a problem, I always try to solve it myself. It’s the little problems that I can get. But, I just can’t seem to solve big problems. This is the smallest question in the world, but it is huge. The question “Why?” Is it supposed to hurt to question why? Knowing the things you do, knowing that the one you call your brother doesn’t care about you the way he used to; that’s hard to know. I can’t act like, “Yeah, that’s ok. I’m still his friend.” No, I cannot act like that. For here, I’ll be honest.
Why does it seem like I’m not there? Why do you treat me like I don’t exist? Why does it seem you just don’t care? Why do you pay attention to other people when I’m trying to say something? Are you trying to hurt me? Did you really want to discontinue this bond? What is it? Do you mean anything by your actions? Have I just misunderstood you, again? Maybe you’ve misunderstood me? What’s happened between us? What affect did my recent dishonest actions have on you? I’ve frustrated you, I’ve upset you, I’ve even made you so angry, you even told me that your anger was endless; I question, “How can you still say you forgive me, and be my friend?” What are you ignoring me for? My brother, you don’t know how much each moment means to me. Do you? I don’t think you do. You’ve got other people, I see that. So, who am I? Am I just “another person”? Why are you treating me this way? Do you mean it? I need to ask you again, “Am I just a bother to you?” Is that all I am? A burden? Am I just a heavy load on your back? What am I to you, my brother?
All I really wanted was for people to be happy. Honestly, to see other people happy, makes me happy. I see other people laughing, it makes me smile. But, if it’s true that I’ve been influenced all my life by other people, and imitate other people, then my feelings are in accordance with the flow of everyone else’s feelings? Are people feeling sorrow, when I feel sorrow? Are people happy, when I’m happy? What am I; a stream of water? While others are lakes, ponds, an oceans, I am but a stream of water?
Water needs to flow somehow. In an ocean, water flows into it, not away. In a pond, there is a constant up & down flow of water. A lake has no flow. Am I the rivers and streams that connect all of these bodies of water to each other? What am I, if I am just an imitation of hundreds of people, most of who I don’t know? Is it in other humans to want to change the world? To make it better? Do others believe that the world can be changed? Where do my thoughts come from? The people I’ve met, been influenced by; they never spoke of changing our world. If they did, I started the conversation. To change the world, means to change everything. But, maybe we shouldn’t try changing the world, but rather restoring it.
What am I? Just another problem? Can this problem be solved simply if people start paying attention to me? The one I call my brother, maybe he should treat me like he used to? What happened between us? The love & philosophies we used to share; were it all for nothing? How can a friendship last this long, and just be blown away over a few dishonest actions? Doubt. Frustration. There are plenty of reasons. Doubt; this is the one I have a lot of right now. Not just in my brother, but in everything. Myself, the world, everything. What hurts? To know many things? Or, to know few things? Or, maybe I just simply know a little too much? I call for help; I need guidance. Because, this is one philosopher who thinks too much.
I ask again, “What’s wrong”? I don’t know. Maybe it really is just the fact I’m being ignored. But, can it really be that simple? These heartaches, I have them every day. When I die of a heart attack, will I die contently? Knowing that I’ve made a difference in people’s lives? What if that difference was just, “He was just a bother to me”? My brother, don’t treat me like this. Like you don’t even care about me, but everything matters something to you. Selfishness? Experiencing that? Is that part of the burden of the world? Being alone? Is that carrying the burden of the world? Knowing this; that the same people a man cares for, are the same people who will turn against him. Is that the burden of the world? How can we say what it was? No one truely understands what Jesus did. All we know is that he died for our sins. First off; if that was true, why are we still sinning? Hm? What does it truely mean to carry the burden of the world?
I am no one. I have no name. The name I have, is a title for a person who is an imitation of other people. The Master acts without expecting. When he leads, people are hardly aware he exists. If you look at my birth-given name, you’ll find that it means “savior”. That is the only definition I can understand for it, because I know that my true self is like that. However, if you take the Japanese name my brother had given to me, it means “watcher of humanity”. This is something I do; watch others. I try to understand them. Other than that, my name means nothing, because that is the name that people call me, and since that is my name, and it carries with it a brief description of myself, it means nothing.
Love & peace; that’s what this land is made of. That’s from Trigun. It hurts, everything just hurts right now. But, there’s still just one thing that I just cannot figure out.
What’s wrong?
Leave a Reply