There are too many problems I have right now. I know for a fact that I keep making them more and more worse, just by simply thinking about them. Is this the burden of the world? Thinking about how to change this world for the greater good? Thinking about how to influence the entire Earth population to just change? So many thoughts go through my head, and it hurts, because I don’t know what to do with it. What should I do? Is this the burden of the world? Is this part of it? Like Jesus; am I carrying a sort of cross on my back? Can it really be that? The first step into changing; to lament? To feel such sorrow & sympathy for others? People I don’t even know? What is wrong?

Just today, this morning, I saw my brother. I walked right by him, nudging him on the shoulder; it’s like he didn’t even realize I just touched him. What was that? Now, I usually don’t care, but why would it matter now? Why would it have mattered then? Why would it matter in the future? The least he could have done was acknowledged I was even there. What’s wrong with the world? Heartless actions from loving & caring people? What’s wrong? I don’t know anything anymore.

A certain female I like; I talked to her about something that was bothering me, a little less than a month ago in August (2008). She clearly said she wanted to understand me more, yet I see her everyday, and it’s like we don’t know each other. What is wrong? I just can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. Days still pass, and she still doesn’t acknowledge I’m there. She sees right through me, as if I were a window.

Being ignored? Being alone? Is that? Could that simply be my problem? Was it wrong for me to choose the path of the loner? I question the philosophies of life. The philosophies that people share with one another. What’s wrong with the world? Maybe there’s nothing wrong it; maybe it’s just me. Me, as an individual; how can I, alone, decide that there is something wrong with our world? How can we still live contently, while at the same time, we’re all suffering? This brings up a seperate philosophy of mine; that everything is just temporary, and that you really have to learn how to be alone.

Is that the end? All of us ending up being alone? By ourselves? No one else around but just yourself? What happened? What’s wrong? I just can’t figure it out. Is it just the fact that I’m being ignored? By the ones who I care about? Especially the ones I really care about? What; is it wrong to have feelings for a woman, when she does not have the same for you? Is it wrong just to be? I feel hurt, pain. Honestly, I actually felt these pains in my heart. I feel uneasy, uncomfortable. I have a hard time sleeping. I have a hard time falling asleep in class. What is wrong, man? God; I don’t even know if he exists or not? If he does, is it wrong to half-believe in Him? If he doesn’t, is it wrong to half-believe in Him? What is wrong?

All I can come up with, is this; the fact that there is this imbalance in my life. I can say already that I am uncontent with everything right now. For some reason, nothing makes sense, and a lot of things are painful to think about. The one I call “my brother”; have we grown apart? The woman I have feelings for; was that it? Just one conversation, and I don’t exist anymore? What’s going on? I also know that somewhere along the line, I may have misunderstood something. Is the only way to be sure, is to be unsure? At this imbalance? Do I know and understand everything in this painfully depressing state of mind? State of spirit? State of soul? How can a man live in this world, if he is unsure of everything? He will need guidance; I need guidance. But, if I keep living my life with guidance, and if I’m right about the end, how will I be able to handle my own weight?

When I have a problem, I always try to solve it myself. It’s the little problems that I can get. But, I just can’t seem to solve big problems. This is the smallest question in the world, but it is huge. The question “Why?” Is it supposed to hurt to question why? Knowing the things you do, knowing that the one you call your brother doesn’t care about you the way he used to; that’s hard to know. I can’t act like, “Yeah, that’s ok. I’m still his friend.” No, I cannot act like that. For here, I’ll be honest.

Why does it seem like I’m not there? Why do you treat me like I don’t exist? Why does it seem you just don’t care? Why do you pay attention to other people when I’m trying to say something? Are you trying to hurt me? Did you really want to discontinue this bond? What is it? Do you mean anything by your actions? Have I just misunderstood you, again? Maybe you’ve misunderstood me? What’s happened between us? What affect did my recent dishonest actions have on you? I’ve frustrated you, I’ve upset you, I’ve even made you so angry, you even told me that your anger was endless; I question, “How can you still say you forgive me, and be my friend?” What are you ignoring me for? My brother, you don’t know how much each moment means to me. Do you? I don’t think you do. You’ve got other people, I see that. So, who am I? Am I just “another person”? Why are you treating me this way? Do you mean it? I need to ask you again, “Am I just a bother to you?” Is that all I am? A burden? Am I just a heavy load on your back? What am I to you, my brother?

All I really wanted was for people to be happy. Honestly, to see other people happy, makes me happy. I see other people laughing, it makes me smile. But, if it’s true that I’ve been influenced all my life by other people, and imitate other people, then my feelings are in accordance with the flow of everyone else’s feelings? Are people feeling sorrow, when I feel sorrow? Are people happy, when I’m happy? What am I; a stream of water? While others are lakes, ponds, an oceans, I am but a stream of water?

Water needs to flow somehow. In an ocean, water flows into it, not away. In a pond, there is a constant up & down flow of water. A lake has no flow. Am I the rivers and streams that connect all of these bodies of water to each other? What am I, if I am just an imitation of hundreds of people, most of who I don’t know? Is it in other humans to want to change the world? To make it better? Do others believe that the world can be changed? Where do my thoughts come from? The people I’ve met, been influenced by; they never spoke of changing our world. If they did, I started the conversation. To change the world, means to change everything. But, maybe we shouldn’t try changing the world, but rather restoring it.

What am I? Just another problem? Can this problem be solved simply if people start paying attention to me? The one I call my brother, maybe he should treat me like he used to? What happened between us? The love & philosophies we used to share; were it all for nothing? How can a friendship last this long, and just be blown away over a few dishonest actions? Doubt. Frustration. There are plenty of reasons. Doubt; this is the one I have a lot of right now. Not just in my brother, but in everything. Myself, the world, everything. What hurts? To know many things? Or, to know few things? Or, maybe I just simply know a little too much? I call for help; I need guidance. Because, this is one philosopher who thinks too much.

I ask again, “What’s wrong”? I don’t know. Maybe it really is just the fact I’m being ignored. But, can it really be that simple? These heartaches, I have them every day. When I die of a heart attack, will I die contently? Knowing that I’ve made a difference in people’s lives? What if that difference was just, “He was just a bother to me”? My brother, don’t treat me like this. Like you don’t even care about me, but everything matters something to you. Selfishness? Experiencing that? Is that part of the burden of the world? Being alone? Is that carrying the burden of the world? Knowing this; that the same people a man cares for, are the same people who will turn against him. Is that the burden of the world? How can we say what it was? No one truely understands what Jesus did. All we know is that he died for our sins. First off; if that was true, why are we still sinning? Hm? What does it truely mean to carry the burden of the world?

I am no one. I have no name. The name I have, is a title for a person who is an imitation of other people. The Master acts without expecting. When he leads, people are hardly aware he exists. If you look at my birth-given name, you’ll find that it means “savior”. That is the only definition I can understand for it, because I know that my true self is like that. However, if you take the Japanese name my brother had given to me, it means “watcher of humanity”. This is something I do; watch others. I try to understand them. Other than that, my name means nothing, because that is the name that people call me, and since that is my name, and it carries with it a brief description of myself, it means nothing.

Love & peace; that’s what this land is made of. That’s from Trigun. It hurts, everything just hurts right now. But, there’s still just one thing that I just cannot figure out.

What’s wrong?

- You are on MySpace, and someone posts a bulletin, and somewhere in that bulletin, usually at the start or near the end, it will say something really retarded like, “rEpOsT oR yOuR mOm WiLl DiE aT 11:59!!!!111″

- You are reading through your email messages, and something like, “Send this to 10 other people, otherwise a clown will appear in your closet and kill you”

Those are the only two ways, I know, chain mail is spread. Why do people do it? For the fun? To scare the crap out of other people? I believe there was one chain mail where its purpose was to hack another MySpace account; mine.

I can’t remember exactly how. All I remember was that I was supposed to click “Reply” so I could copy the codes (script, HTML, that fancy stuff) and repost it in a bulletin. When I posted the bulletin, my account was suddenly posting weird comments and weird bulletins. I had one of my friends comment me back saying, “Dude, why are you trying to sell me weed?” Then I go, “What?” She tells me that I sent her a comment with a link to a sight where they were selling “bud”, from like, Hawaii or something (why couldn’t have been simple, like the Canadian stuff?). Well, I told her I did no such thing. Then, I checked her profile for my supposed comment, and I saw. It had a nice picture of weed, and a nice commentary about how I have so much of it, and that I was more than willing to sell it to make money. There was even a link to the site; which I did not visit.

Thinking off the top of my head, “I must have been hacked.” Then, I backtrack my day, remembering everything I’ve done. And then, I remembered posting a bulletin that asked me to copy codes… sound familiar? I changed my password, and the comments stopped. And, I didn’t notice it until later, but I was also posting weird bulletins; yes, with weed in them. I erased the bulletins, and told everybody, “Hey, it’s Jeremy, don’t worry about those weird bulletins and comments, I was just hacked. That’s all.”

So, why do people post chain mail? Some, for the fun. Like those ones that tell fake stories like, “This clown kills people who talk on their cell phones at night,” or whatever the kids are saying these days. Some, to hack others, and market their websites using a method known as “phishing”. Man, what are people doing with their lives?

Ok, so chain mailers! If you’re gonna do it, or if you are going to repost or send it to others, make sure you’re not hacking or phishing, or trying to market your websites. Come on, there’s other ways to market your websites (I dunno, maybe, tell random people about it?). I haven’t reposted any chain mails because clearly, it is a waste of time. I don’t know why anyone’d waste their time reading and reposting/sending these things, anyway. Bottom line; chain mail is a waste of time.

P.S. On MySpace, there are little things called “surveys” or “questionnaires”; the ones that ask a bunch of questions, and people always out like, “uhh idk” for like half their answers. Those do not count as chain mail.

And, this is how Lime Cat feels about chain mail.

When I closed my eyes, I thought I was just relaxing. I didn’t even noticed that I slid out of the chair, and lied down on the ground. I thought I just put my head back, and entered this state of total relaxation; well, I was right about that much. During my blankness, I could not hear anything. I could only hear silence. During my blankness, I saw this weird image of a “purple bubble”, and the background was yellow for a split second before I was awaken.

When I finally woke up, everything was bright, and I guess I could see the blood vessels in my eyes, or my retinas or something, because I could see these bright yellow “branches”. So, I kinda figured that was either one of those two things. But, I woke up, and I thought to myself, “What? I thought I just fell asleep.” There were about four or five doctors standing around me, making sure I was alright. One of the men asked me, “Are you ok?” I said, “I’m fine…” Then, he asked me, “What’s your name?” I said, “Jeremy…” Then, he asked, “What year is it?” Then, I said, “2008.” My feet were on this stool, or foot-rest, so they were lifted up. After a minute, the other guy was like, “Ok, I’m gonna put your feet down. Mmkay?” So, he grabbed onto my feet, and slid the foot-stool out of the way, and slowly put my feet down. And then, the guy who was asking me those questions lifted me up, so I was sitting up. Then, he said, “I’ve seen infantry men go down like that. You have nothing to be ashamed of.” I didn’t say anything. For one; I was tired, and didn’t feel like talking. Two; I wasn’t sure how to reply to that.

I was then slowly lifted onto a stretcher, so they could wheel me in to a “holding room”. One of the guys were offering me a Tootsie-Pop. To which I just waved my hand, signaling him, “No thank you, I’m good.” When I got there, I noticed my sister was crying; I could hear her in the background. After another two minutes, a guy came in, and started talking to me. During this whole process, I didn’t look anyone in the eye; I had a blank stare. I felt pretty helpless, and very tired, and exhausted. Afterwards, we had to get an “EKG”, I believe is what it was called. I was on a wheelchair, with that same blank stare. I was wheeled into a room, where they checked my heart rate, and stuff like that. The nurse printed a paper with those lines that say like, you’re heart rate. I think it’s called an “EKG”, I don’t know.

Then, I was rolled back into the adolescent clinic, where I passed out, which is just where I wanted to be (haha), and waited for the female doctor we set an appointment with, Dr. Geneman. Then, my sister brought me a snack; Cheetos, to be specific. After that, my dad picked me up, got some BK Lounge (Burger King), went home, watched George Lopez, fell asleep, watched some more George Lopez, ate, watched George Lopez again, and finally fell asleep.

All day, I was thinking about how humans are. Were they really worried about me? Or, were they doing it for the money? I’ll tell you right now, that doctor’s appointment, we didn’t pay jack; yes, it was free. We’re military, and we used a military hospital. It was free. They didn’t charge us a penny. So, they actually cared. I compared it to a regular hospital, where they do get paid. Can you believe people would rather suffer, than pay money to be taken care of? That is a problem that involves pride, and greed. Well, for those who can afford it. For those who can’t afford it, this is turned on the doctors, and they are the ones who are greedy.

Pride? What’s with people? I wish I could tell the whole story, but there is just so much to say. Anyway, the hospital is an interesting place to study humans. Here are some little things that I noticed:

- Some of the doctors seemed like they don’t even care.

- A woman of a child was yelling at her kid, because he did something (I don’t know what).

- There’s a mother, a father, and some two year-old. The father had a leash on the two year-old.

I don’t know. This was an almost random post.

So, who decided what’s right and wrong? I mean, we all leave this all to one person to decide? I suppose there would be a slight problem if there was a worldwide meeting, and everybody had to show up. O_O

No. That’s not it. What if we just simply “do the right thing”? People all have different views of right and wrong. I know that if this were to be put into effect, the world’d be chaos. Am I right? Did anyone ever once think that the way we are today is not the way we should be? We’ve restricted our own selves. Why do banks charge fees for “insufficient funds”, when they know there’s not enough? If they’re called the “United States Secret Service”, then how come everybody knows about them? Haha. But, what secrets do we have to hide from one another? It’s like lying to a child. The Secret Service is the parent, and we are but the child; the innocent mind, susceptible to listening to anything we hear. Hey, we want to know what’s going on. You don’t have to lie to us. The more we hide truths from each other, the harder it will be to finally tell it. But, if you never get a change to tell the truth to somebody, it only makes it a trillion times hard. You destroy your own self, because you just wouldn’t tell the truth.

Why are we killing each other, what’s the reason? Money, power, revenge. Only but a few popular reasons. You think you can just end a life? Equivalent exchange; you take a life, you spend the rest of yours in prison. I’ve already gotten over my sympathies for people who’ve killed, and then been released, and claim to have changed. Which, they probably have, but whatever. What was your intent in killing this person? If it was an accident, sure. But, what evidence do we have to prove that? You lie to us, you destroy yourself. It’s not us you’re lying to, it is your own self. You may think you don’t care, but in fact, you do.

Too long have we misunderstood one another. And, I believe that’s all this is; a huge misunderstanding. Even the closest friends ever can misunderstand each other. Isn’t that right?

This early morning philosophy, these words, they mean nothing. Words mean absolutely nothing. Words are only here to help us understand each other. And, I know that everyone has used the wrong words. Come on, we do it all the time. We do it when we say, “I mean…” We do it when we say, “What I meant to say was…” Naw, we just do it all the time. We use the wrong words all the time. But, what is it to be human, if not to make mistakes? After all, the words “mistake” is in our vocabulary. Let’s understand one another, ah?

This is “A New Heaven And A New Earth”.

It made me wonder about him. It made me think about him. Anyone who reads this, except for maybe only three to five people, will not understand what I had just recently went through. Anyone who reads this, except for those three to five people, will not know what happened the past week.

To listen to his voice, to hear how he talks, what about it? It baffles me. Pondering over it will get me nowhere. However, shall I just forget it? I’m half-asleep as I type this. It’s 1:42 (AM). What’s going on? Things… I just don’t understand.

Earlier today, I had the ultimate philosophy. “All we really want to do with our lives, is to be chill.” Think about it. No worries. I even thought about if someone died, how I wouldn’t actually care that much. Would the deceased want you to be sad? Sure, you were close to them, and were possibly like a brother to them. But, you’d cry at their funeral, because you’ll never have any good times anymore. In reality, you should just take one more look back, and move on. It’s a long process, thinking of all those memories. The good and the bad. What must we do, now that they’re gone? Move on. You’ll meet up with them, again.

It’s late times like this, I question myself, “Why am I staying up so late?” I’m not sleepy. I don’t want to go to sleep. I don’t feel like falling asleep. I just feel like blogging. I have a song stuck in my head. “Wishing”, by A Flock of Seagulls. Nice song, by the way. Why is it in my head? Is it because of my friend? People would immediatly call this “gay”. Well, I simply understand it as “embrace”. Is that even the right word for it?

If I told everybody of the close bond I have with my friend, they would surely call me “gay”. I am not. Neither is he. We’re just close, and him and I know how to accept each other, and are comfortable with each other; stuff like that. In fact, we are probably closer than any other couple of friends. We call each other “brother”. Other guys call each other, “like brothers”.

It’s a late night. It is 1:51, now. I feel like if I go on further, I’ll say too much, and put something on here that will scare most people. I will close for the night, with the next paragraph. How much you wanna bet, it’ll be the longest one?

People’s minds are clouded with so many ideas. For example, I download pictures everyday. One of my other friends replied to this, “Oh really? Who?” To which I responded, “Dude, not pornography.” You see? I simply said to this guy, “I’m just downloading pictures.” And, that’s basically what I was doing, downloading pictures. I actually had to explain to him, “I download artistic pictures.” But, whatever. People and their clouded minds. Ha! It makes me laugh. Just like this bond I have with my friend. If I told people about this bond, they’d swear to God we were gay. Ha ha ha!! It makes me laugh. But, it will also upset me, because they simply don’t understand. What must I do to make people understand? Hey, I don’t have to make anyone understand anything. Understanding things is a one-way street. I can only drive you so far, before I say, “Hey, I wanna make a turn.” I don’t know if that was the correct metaphor, for it. But, I’m saying that I can only help you understand this bond. Only you can make you understand it. Too long, have people misunderstood me. And, too much time wasted, have I spent trying to help people understand. This bond that he and I have; I’ll not speak of it. I will simply say; we are close; we are brothers; we are not gay; we are misunderstood. But, reading about somebody writing about somebody they call they “brother”, and how they’re not gay, seems kinda gay, doesn’t it? This late night philosophy; the theme is “understanding”. Just simply… understanding. I write no more. I’ve had enough. I shall retire for the day, and regain consciousness, because I have no idea what I’m typing right now.

Also, people die, if they are killed…